Where I fucked it up
I also wrote this poem yesterday
My eyes could never get wide enough
to take you all in
staring constantly staring
Is this real life?
How did I get so lucky?
You used to floss your teeth with my hairs
rolling individual strands around
with your tongue
And your tongue in my mouth
coated sweet with caffeine
and hairs tickling my lips
sometimes your kiss so deep
your nose would whistle and poke my eye
but I liked it
every moment of it
I look at the bed we made love on
just the day before
and I can’t muss it.
I sit next to it longingly.
I remember our bodies
and how you encompassed in the white sheets after
as you dripped out between my legs
a sad smile
but a smile nonetheless
and it was short lived
like your love for me
The butterflies that have been there since the very beginning
except now they’re made of iron
and tearing away at my insides
Guess I am just a ghost
a shadow of what I once was.
Today I went outside
I sat in the ugliest place I could find
wet feet cold cheeks
dirty snow and a junky couple yelling at each other about joints
as my coat fell apart and floated away
I thought about all the places where it went wrong
where I did wrong
and what I could have done differently
It’s all clear in hindsight
I just hope it’s not too late
I fell in love recently.
The emotions were so beautiful, intense and pure that it honestly felt like it was the first time I’ve ever loved someone.
And it didn’t work out.
Just 40 days after we met, he ended it.
I know it was my fault. He was so good, too good, and I wasn’t good enough for him. I was always honest and tried my best to make him feel special, happy.
I really tried but not everything is within my control I suppose.
I’m breaking in half. I am fractured. I still love and miss you…
Risotto is truly a labor of love.
Lately I’ve been cooking a bit healthier, and gluten-free. My person doesn’t consume gluten because it causes inflammation and he’s got a few health issues that warrant the diet change.
Risotto isn’t the most beautiful food, but it’s the coziest food. More than anything, homemade risotto is the most loving food. When you are constantly stirring for an hour plus, adding all the right ingredients at the right moments, plus all the preparation in advance…. It’s a lot of work, but that’s half of what makes risotto worth it. Plus since it takes so damn long to make, I only make it maybe a few times a year for special occasions. Today was not special at all, although somewhat magical with all the snow, but this was necessary.
Arborio rice, mushroom, onion, garlic cooked in veggie broth… then with roasted red pepper, bay scallop, calamari, and shrimp added in the last 5 minutes or so with a lot of stirring and adding more liquid in between and assessing at various intervals.
The breakdowns aren’t really accurate, but I started with 1.5 cups of rice and used at least 4 cups of broth. You only add a half cup of broth at a time, stir stir stir over medium heat in a pan, then add a bit more when it gets low. Around the 30-45 minutes mark, I start to taste it. When the rice is soft, usually around an hour in, that’s when I added the seafood and pepper. It cooks quickly after that, maybe another 5 minutes at most to get the calamari firm and the shrimps/scallops to become opaque. I used half an onion, 4 garlic cloves, and half a container of mushrooms. I used about a pound of seafood. I finished it off with some real Parmesan cheese and a nice bright peppery arugula. Serve hot and toss the arugula with the risotto to wilt it a bit.
But, go me! President’s list! I have a 3.9 GPA in my bachelors of nursing program. My social life has taken a bit of a hit, and I’m more skeptical to go on vacations with questionable internet access, and my buying a house has taken a backseat, but in just 9 more months I will be golden. It will be worth it!
Snow in Boston!
I love the snow, but I’m delaying being in much of it for a little bit. For the next few weeks I’m headed down to Mexico and Cuba. It will be nice to get away by myself and just take in some good food and scenery. The sporadic (and sometimes complete lack of) internet will be a nice break. Adios!