Big changes

Trying, but I’ve got green/yellow crap coming out of my body and I’m like, what’s the fucking point? 

Back in January, I thought I met the man I was going to marry, but alas I was wrong and we broke up last week. He does not believe we can work through our issues, and as much as I love and want to be with him, I want to respect his feelings. It’s killing me, but I’m trying. 

There are upsides to every dark cloud. Rain makes living things grow. I spent the greater part of the first half of the year putting my life on hold for this man that I love so that I could accommodate what he saw in his future too. I have no regrets about this. I’m flexible. I know I will achieve my goals and it was fine that it might be a little later than I wanted. I was happy with him and that was most important to me.

Within 3 days of the breakup, I gave my roommate notice I was moving out by the end of summer, finished submitting my final papers for my second to last semester at school, and contacted a recruiter for travel nursing. I’m also down 5 pounds without even trying. There are some big changes very soon on my horizon and although I am extremely depressed, I can and will live without him.. even though I don’t want to. 

The greatest motivation by far in my life has always been love. I like being in relationships. I’m happier this way. I’m hopelessly devoted to the person I’m with, whether or not they are to me. When I make a commitment, I mean it. Unfortunately it seems like I don’t have good judgement; I keep finding men that hurt me. Today I vow to move forward and find new motivation and personal fulfillment. I don’t want to date anymore; I don’t want to find any new reasons to stay. More than anything in the world, I want to find love, my partner in crime in this life, but I guess it’s not in my cards right now. And I’m not willing to settle, just like I never have in the past. 

So, onto other things. Not necessarily bigger nor better, just new things. I’ve made great strides in my life and I will continue to do so. I’ve got a 3.95 GPA and I am completely done with school in less than 8 weeks. I’m very good at my job and I will continue to excel and get better every day. I have got the drive to go places, further than I’ve ever gone before. Time to pick up the pieces of me and get going. It will be rough for awhile, but eventually I will be in a better place. I wish it was with him, but I can’t force him to be with me although we love each other very much. In the back of my head and heart, I hope that maybe one day my perfect man will come back to me, but I can’t and won’t count on it. My friends keep reminding me that if we are meant to be, it’ll happen, but if we don’t then he’s not the one. I need to remind myself of that too. 

I miss you Michael


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